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Peace312
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Birthday: 3/12/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Music. Film. U2. Medicine. Concerts. Walkenology. Quantum physics. Broadway. Adventuring. Over analysis. New Jersey. Boston. New York City. London. India. Ireland. Fashion. Shopping. Shoes. Thoughtful detail. Boys in glasses. Design. Poetry. Frank O'Hara. Tea. Photography. Hugs. Imagination. Hanging out. Autumn. Bollywood. Art. Sleeping in. William Carlos Williams. Grey mornings. Law. Accents. Romance. Laughter. Literature. Dancing. Insomnia. Nightlife. Social psychology. Smirking.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/13/2002
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| stories of b and t&t to follow.
in the meantime, last night.
shit show.
already.
it's interesting to go out and party with people who are not in your closest circle of friends.
i actually loved it.
last night was nothing but having lighthearted fun with great people, dancing, and laughing and not a single second of negativity. just pure love.
even when a guy that drea likes was making out with laura's sister, jed saw what was happening and stepped up almost protectively and ushered us away to dance elsewhere. he's not particularly close to drea at all. so it made me really glad to see him want to safeguard her happiness in that way.
drea and i rolled into the bar at around midnight or one. i expected it to be more on the empty side, but it was quite packed and lively.
i spotted a familiar face. we'll call him t.0. we're not good friends, we've only hung out once or twice because he's close to other mutual friends, but since i recognized him, i went over to say hey. as i began spotting more and more people i knew but wasn't close to, i took the time to introduce everyone around and just party. t.0 started buying me drinks, and laur's sister bought herself, myself, and jed some shots. then cb and rm - who are an adorable and sweet couple that i am quite fond of, started sharing drinks with me and the night continued.
at some point, i made fun of jed because of my nye psychic reading and he said this term was going to be a throwdown between himself and quick for me. i told him i'd only approve if it were a dance battle. and then we started mimicking eachother's styles. i brought up the "someone is at home" statement the psychic made, and he was like, "yup, it was me, sorry you can't come over. jizz all over the walls. everywhere."
i replied with, "you're welcome" and we nearly fell over laughing.
t.0 and i were practically wrestling at the bar with his insistence in buying me drinks. and he kept taking photos of me, and well... it was getting a bit too close for my liking so i kept asking jed for help. at some point w.l even kept saying, "stop picking up men right and left." and i guess that's what had been going on.
once i found an escape route, i took it, and disappeared with jed and A. as we walked A home, since she now lives around the corner from me, i spotted quick's car as jed went to walk her to her door, and stayed behind.
i wandered over to the locked passenger door, and even in my most drunk state, did the trick that only 2 or 3 people know and got the door to open. i sat in the car and waited til jed joined me and we hung out for a bit and chatted before returning to the bar to grab food. i don't know why i broke into the car. at the time, i almost felt like it was a pet. like this was something familiar that knew me when i was away, and this was my way of greeting it. i felt the oddest feeling of satisfaction when the door swung open - as if it were welcoming me back or recognized me somehow.
anyway, jed and i stayed awake til 7 and watched the sun rise from my porch. i woke up 4 hours later immensely dehydrated and behind in my work, but all in all, it was a good way to come back to the rock - with the hugs and dance moves and love of many. | | |
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people always think that we are together.
we are not.
they think i know when you're flying in.
i don't.
even when my roommate asks me when you're coming into town, i say i don't know.
we haven't talked.
i have, however, spoken to n, r, j, will, drea, dk, e, laura, on a near daily basis. before i can utter a word of complaint at missing the contact of one person, she tells me that myself, drea, and rb are the only ones who have spoken to her all break.
it's been 2 and a half weeks.
i have nothing to complain about. | | |
| Copy/pasted from Skype.
E 2:34 AM
do you have a barbados neighborhood preference? i'm looking at hotels for all of us.
K 2:34 AM
IM WATCHING JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED.
E 2:34 AM
Nice!
The best episode is called Epilogue. It's my favorite!
K 2:34 AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. now it's time to go to bed, try to be normal.
so i can "work" all tomorrow.
E 2:35 AM
kk, well then go to sleep then.
but before you do - what episode are you watching?
K 2:36 AM
i was watching epilogue. it explains batman beyond.
E 2:36 AM
i know it does, puppy. | | |
| I am a secret.
But first things first. Here's what happened now. Quick called to wish me luck. And then at some point, well into the conversation, in an attempt to be motivating and funny, he remarked, "if steve jobs were alive, he'd say... 'it doesn't actually matter how you do on tomorrow's test... because we'll all wind up dying from cancer anyway'."
And *that's* when his girlfriend decides to start giggling in the background.
I used that as the impetus to end the conversation rather abruptly. I'm not sure if he knew I could hear her. I'm not sure if it's suddenly okay to call me in front of her, or if she was in the other room and heard it, or because he had passed his roommate the phone for a long duration - whether she thought I was just being passed to him from N. It doesn't matter.
I think to myself, perhaps it's in her best interest that I'm being kept hidden, because I suddenly had the urge to slap her. It wasn't particularly funny, cancer has touched everyone's lives, and oh yeah, did she forget his father is dying of cancer right now?
After I hung up the phone, I began telling this story to my roommate. Not five minutes later, he started messaging me on Skype for the next hour.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Returning to the secret thing.
It makes me feel kind of guilty, though the whole point of being so excessively ethical was to avoid this sense of guilt when I haven't done a thing. (Despite a number of attempts on his part).
Ever since she's been here, he's been texting me really late at night (I'd be a liar if I said I didn't find this a tiny bit thrilling and dangerous) and skyping late at night (which is not like him). He texted from review group, even. I'm assuming it's because, hey, these are the moments she's not around. And his roommate says that when he is at home, the second the gf leaves the room, Quick only talks about me. Asks how I'm doing, what I've been up to, etc. For days now. I am the only topic of conversation. (He will break character and sit and text or sit and skype when he normally doesn't. N said he'd never seen him have a back and forth text conversation before in their year+ of living together. And if N mentions I'm nervous about something or whatever, he gets a concerned look and immediately contacts me. Which is true. And sweet). My roommate S finds this rather intriguing.
I believe it to be merely an expression of his own guilt at never having told me. In addition to the fact that we platonically care about one another.
We're all pretending that I don't know and it's silly. We've met before and even attended the same parties. Our mutual friends seem to agree that something about this time has a different feeling to it. That it seems more serious. While I find it immature, I'll continue to trust in the judgment of many with the knowledge that they are acting in what they consider to be our best interests.
The time apart, while difficult, is much needed. And it's lending me strength to say, hey, we need to discuss why this has occurred. And you need to know the truth about how I feel and about the things you've said or attempted when too drunk to account for yourself. Because it is both an excuse and not an excuse simultaneously. I'm resetting to a measure of levelheadedness and clarity.
The sneaking around is just so odd though. For example, they got into a car accident. A drunk driver plowed into a friend's car with my close friends and the gf inside. While this happens a lot on the island, I freaked out when I heard about it via his roommate and subsequently texted him. I just get scared when he gets hurt. (He even almost got mugged/jumped after walking me home the other night. 2 guys came out of nowhere and he had to threaten them with the wine bottle he had). And he couldn't even text me or call cause she was right there the whole time. Instead he called his roommate and goes, "Hi roomie, who are you with?" And N told him, "E, duh, she just texted you" and he whispers "Can you put your phone on speaker?" So N does. And he says normally, "N, tell the people you're with that I'm okay. There's not a scratch on me. Don't worry. I gotta go."
And then he hangs up.
Cryptic. Well, not so much, but somewhat. The friends I was with just figured that this was his way of letting me know he was okay.
And I hate to say it this way, but she's been here 6 nights. There hasn't been any sex. Not that I'm encouraging it. I cringe at the idea of him holding her and the memory of it in the elevator once. But if I hadn't seen my boyfriend for 4 -5 months... Let's just say there would be empty bottles of Gatorade everywhere and a thoroughly cleaned apartment.
His roommate actually likes her. Well, no, I mean, he just doesn't dislike her. That's all. He says she tries but that he sees Quick's reactions to her, and it's not positive. And that there isn't fire. He's just content. Complacent. He's not excited. N feels like Quick isn't in love. But then he backtracks.
If you say her name, he doesn't smile. He's just even. "But maybe that's what love is for him," is what N claims in his/her defense.
But if you say my name, he smiles really widely.
"All that means is that you make him happy," N says curtly, still in their defense. Really? How is that a defense?!
Ugh!!
And then when we're eating lunch, N tells me quietly and seriously, "I can see why he has to keep you a secret."
I am flattered by this momentarily and then ask why.
He simply says, "you're too precious to him and if she knew, she'd take you away. He won't have that."
Don't let me be taken away.
Whatever happens.
I should have never let go of your hand in Barcelona.
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Everyone kept their silence for a week and a half. They kept a secret and kept it well. For that, I must give them credit where credit is due. Usually I am the secret keeper and I find out things so quickly that for me to not know 100% but suspect is a testament to their dedication and protection of our friendships.
N had said it one day (the 26th), "You know who's coming, right?" I said, "Oh yeah, Michelle! R had invited me to go kayaking with them!" He looked very momentarily relieved and continued with his work. The flash of relief made me suspicious. So I asked around. Everyone said, "Oh, he's just messing with you."
Everyone lied.
And so it was Wednesday morning, 2 am. And Quick texted me good luck for my exams on Wednesday. And I took them and bounced out and was excited to see him. I was going to offer to go into town with him to pick up missing scooter parts. Only, he never came to school.
And maybe 10 minutes after my exam was out, I ran into Sheldon, and I enquired how his scooter was doing. It had broken down the night before, so I lent N my car to go help him. I wanted to go too, but N told me to stay at home and keep studying and I did. And Sheldon told me it was still broken down and thanked me for lending him the car, and then mentioned how awkward it was to wait for help at their apartment because of J being there.
And I blinked and said "aww, I'm sure it was fine."
And I saw that everyone was staring at me.
I said, "What?" and smiled politely. The handful of friends I was with, waited til Sheldon left to begin their round of apologies and inquiries as to whether I was okay. "Go home, take some time for yourself. Cry, scream, break things. Take time for you."
I simply answered with a smile and said, "I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to do laundry, and cook, and do my work and study."
"Go out in the evening. Go party. Hit the beach." They kept begging me.
I had reverted to something cold and rock-like.
"Nonsense. I didn't come here to party. I came here for school, and I have a lot of work to do."
We sat on benches while everyone ate. I wasn't hungry. Will came bounding over and asked whether I was excited to hang with J as we are practically neighbors.
"Mmmhmm."
Continued realization that everyone knew. Except me. He didn't tell me. Purposely.
I'm assuming this means he thinks I couldn't handle it.
His roommate tells me the reasoning is 4-fold. That 1) He saw how I reacted in November to the idea of her joining us and he didn't want me to be so hurt. 2) That I have feelings for him. 3) That he has feelings for me and can't do anything. 4) That I have exams.
I believe 3. to be lies that N is telling me to feel better. I'm not sure if I'll ever know.
But what this tells me is that Quick looked at our friendship and decided to view me as someone who has feelings for him over someone who is his friend. If we were friends, he'd have told me. That's all. He was set up for it so many times. I asked him about setting up shots this weekend, and he said he was going to be busy studying. And he offered to work on my car, but now I'm thinking, when was that supposed to happen? It just would've been good to know. To be treated with some respect.
Granted, she booked a ticket and didn't tell him until last minute and came here of her own accord. During exam time, which is brilliant.
I will wait to have the awkward conversation of "why didn't you tell me" til after exams are over, at least. I would never do anything to distract him from our studies. And of course, he will say something like, "you had so many exams going on." And I will raise the question of, "why would it have bothered me?" and we will have to face our lies of omission and protectiveness and treating eachother slightly better and slightly worse head on for once.
Perhaps it will be a push in the positive direction for our friendship. Who knows.
I would've made the same choice, if the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure. But it wouldn't have been the right choice.
And it's ironic, because I'm the one who is the nicest to her. Who defends her most. Who protects her interests instead of my own out of deference to them both. And it's funny, because even his roommate says that he sees I'm the one who loves Quick most in this whole world. More than her, more than his parents. And he has no idea.
Guess it's time he does.
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